A Childs Song

childs song

My son wrote a song last night in his bed. I just had so share it because I think it if fab!

 

SONG: I want to sing I want to shine.

 

I want to sing, I want to shine.

Just let me do, what I can do.

 

Just see me, look in my eyes

And you will see what you can do with me.

 

I want to sing, I want to shine.

Just let me do, what I can do.

 

Just see me, what can you see

What can you see in your heart?

 

I want to sing, I want to shine.

Just let me do, what I can do.

 

See me in your heart, what I can do

So just love me, together we live.

 

I want to sing, I want to shine.

Just let me do, what I can do.

MBT Psycho-educational Group

I have been a bit quiet again, my confidence has fallen and I have hidden myself away. Time to push myself back out there.

I saw my care co-ordinator on the 15th January and on Friday I received a letter from her. I have been placed on the waiting list for MBT (Mentalisation Based Treatment) psycho-educational group. This group will last for 12 weeks and I will not be able to have any one to one support which does worry me. But I have been without support for 7 months now.

The group will be structured following the themes of mentalising – how we can maintain or lose this capacity and how we can understand our own and others emotional responses within relationships.

As I have said I am on the waiting list but when the group starts I will detail what we are doing in the hope that I can help someone else who is thinking of undertaking this kind of therapy.

If anyone reads this who has attended something similar then I would be glad to hear from you.

When I feel depressed

When I feel depressed I find it difficult to explain how I feel, so I thought I would try expressing myself in a poem.

LOSING MY MIND

It is so hard to explain
What is going on in my brain
The confusion I feel
It is very real.

I cannot think
For I know I am going to sink.
Down, down further I go
I am my own foe

The pain,
The Fear
The torture

The confusion
The loneliness
The frustration

The self hate
The disappointment
The weakness

The tears
The scars
The shame

The screaming
The silence
The madness

The past
The present
The future

I am my own foe
Down, down further I go
For I know I am going to sink
I cannot think

It is very real
The confusion I feel
What is going on in my brain
It is so hard to explain

Understanding the road I have travelled today

I want to use this blog to be totally truthful about my mental health issues. I want to learn more about myself and continue along the road to recovery. The road to recovery is not that straight and there are many obstacles along the way. This morning I took a small detour, it was a conscious decision, but now I have to turn around and understand the road I have travelled today.

My eating habits change quite frequently but since my GP gave me xenical  a few months ago I have been slowly and constantly losing weight. I have been thrilled by this weight loss. I even managed to lose weight over the Christmas and New Year period (even after that 8 course dinner party)! But over the last few days I have been eating more and more and so I have stopped losing weight. This morning for the first time I have gained weight!

I have found myself obsessing about food and wanting to eat more and more. I realised that I have not binged for almost 3 weeks. Is my obsession with food at the moment my build up to having a binge? Do I obsess about food before a binge?  I think I do. So would a binge give me some release from this obsession? I decided to allow myself to binge.

I have binged and I have purged and I am left feeling tired and a little shaky. The act of purging is very distressing. So what did I hope to gain from this today? I just want to be free of my food obsession for a while.

Gone are the days where I would binge and purge several times. Those days seem quite far behind me now and I will make sure things stay that way. But every now and again I do have little detours or blips like today. I can only hope that the time between these blips gets longer and longer.

So rather than waiting until tomorrow to start afresh I am restarting my day right now. I want to move on from this now…..

 

My BPD

It wasn’t until I was in a long term relationship that I started to see that my behaviour may not be ‘normal’ compared to my partners, who is now my husband (we shall call him H).

In the first few years of our relationship it was very passionate but also very rocky. We went from one extreme to the other. Our arguments over the smallest of things threatened to end our relationship time and time again. I think sometimes I did want things to end, sabotaging relationships was something that I was good at.

I felt anger was an emotion to be hidden from others but when it did surface I wanted someone else to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to hurt them, verbally not physically. That someone was H. I loved him one minute and the next I could feel such hatred towards him. I got angry and would start arguments over very small things. At the time I would never have admitted it was me that started the arguments. I had to press that button that would send H in to a rage. By doing this it took the responsibility of the argument from me and placed it firmly on him. I had achieved my goal at this point and could now play the role of someone who had been wronged.

It took me many years to see the patterns evolve in my behaviour. I was too afraid to admit that, when I got into an argument with H, I hated him. How could anyone understand that you could hate someone and then love them so deeply.

When I stopped and took a step back and acknowledged what I was doing during arguments with H this was the day that I took responsibility for my own actions and our arguments declined rapidly from that point.

It was several years later that I would be diagnosed with BPD, borderline personality disorder and got some help. My diagnosis was like a double edge sword. I felt relief that there was something wrong with me (maybe I was not a bad person after all) and it had been identified so that I could get help and possibly change or control this part of me. I also felt a lot of shame because I thought that others would not understand so that is why I have only told my husband about my BPD.

We still have arguments and it is me that starts them off but they do not resemble what they use to be. It wasn’t too long ago that I finally told H that when we have arguements I do hate him and I do not like feeling that way. I love him and do not want to lose him. He said he knew I felt that way as he had been online to educate himself on BPD. I felt relief that he knew.

New Year

Two days after Christmas we, that is my husband, children and myself, went to see some friends. Those friends invited us to spend New Years eve with them. That was very nice of them. The last time I was away from my own home for New Year was to see in the year 2000.

I find socialising very difficult. I guess that is due to my borderline personality disorder and also my eating disorder. I do not like being around other people and having to keep a conversation going just terrifies me. So here I was faced with an invite to spend New Year with some people that I do not really know too well and to have a meal with them as well.

My husband and I did not know how to say no and as soon as we had both agreed my thoughts turn very dark. I had that same thought that always pops into my head when faced with difficult situations. I thought that I would just take an overdose and that would be it. I would not have to deal with this awkward situation. The solution seemed easy.

Within a few hours I realised that my thinking was not rational but did not know what to do about it. I knew that I would not be able to go through with these plans for New Year. How could I sit and eat in front of other people who I have never eaten in front of before. My eating disordered head was screaming at me. How could I start or keep a conversation going because all I have to say is just not interesting. I felt that my world was falling a part.

I told my husband what was going on in my head and he said that we need to do this for the children. They must see us socialising just like any other ‘normal’ family. I kept repeating this and knew that I had to go through with things and attend this dinner party at New Year.

On Monday, New Years Eve I was not able to anything as I was so terrified. I remembered that my children got jigsaws for Christmas, so I asked if I could build one of their 1000 piece jigsaws. I spent most of the day doing that jigsaw just to take mind of what was going to happen.

So the time came to get ready and I did and I went to the dinner party. Dinner consisted of 8 courses. For someone with an eating disorder this was horrifying. But I got through it.

I did not eat all 8 courses, there was not need too really. I took plenty of breaks away from the table by using my children as an excuse. I ate slowly so that I did not have to eat as much as everyone else and I am sure no one noticed. Concentrating on the food and keep a conversation going was beyond me but my husband was able to do enough talking for both of us. A couple of times between courses as the table was cleared games were played. This gave me time to try and ground myself. I even spent five minutes in the loo just doing breathing exercises. The two years of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) came in very handy.

However, I have not been able to look back at Monday evening and think that I handled that situation well. I look back and see the days full of darkness as I was so consumed by my depression.

I need to learn from this and keep moving forward…..

Christmas 2012

Tonight is the first night I have been able to get online since Christmas Eve.

I had a very good Christmas with my husband and children. It was the first Christmas in many years that I did not wake up feeling low. Christmas usually makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I think I have not done enough for my family. If only I was still working Christmas would be better for them, is what I kept telling myself. But this year I realised that my children do not care if I have a job, they have told me that they like mum being at home. I realise that they would rather I be home for them than have a Christmas that has so many presents it takes them all day to open them.

Before I was overcome by depression and an eating disorder I use to work 12 hours plus a day. I would go to work when my children were in bed and get home when they were back in bed. I use to worry that they would tell me at the age of 15 and say that they did not know me and that I was never around for them. I tried to reduce my hours at work and I even asked for a job share but this was refused and so my boss started to lay the pressure on me until I broke.I have been burdened with the guilt of being a failure ever since.

This year that guilt lifted. I realise that the time I have with my children is very precious and I am very privileged to be able to spend this time with them, even though I am struggling with mental health problems that have deemed that I am unfit to work at this current time.

So I had a very good Christmas and grateful for having that and I now see things a little differently.