Two days after Christmas we, that is my husband, children and myself, went to see some friends. Those friends invited us to spend New Years eve with them. That was very nice of them. The last time I was away from my own home for New Year was to see in the year 2000.
I find socialising very difficult. I guess that is due to my borderline personality disorder and also my eating disorder. I do not like being around other people and having to keep a conversation going just terrifies me. So here I was faced with an invite to spend New Year with some people that I do not really know too well and to have a meal with them as well.
My husband and I did not know how to say no and as soon as we had both agreed my thoughts turn very dark. I had that same thought that always pops into my head when faced with difficult situations. I thought that I would just take an overdose and that would be it. I would not have to deal with this awkward situation. The solution seemed easy.
Within a few hours I realised that my thinking was not rational but did not know what to do about it. I knew that I would not be able to go through with these plans for New Year. How could I sit and eat in front of other people who I have never eaten in front of before. My eating disordered head was screaming at me. How could I start or keep a conversation going because all I have to say is just not interesting. I felt that my world was falling a part.
I told my husband what was going on in my head and he said that we need to do this for the children. They must see us socialising just like any other ‘normal’ family. I kept repeating this and knew that I had to go through with things and attend this dinner party at New Year.
On Monday, New Years Eve I was not able to anything as I was so terrified. I remembered that my children got jigsaws for Christmas, so I asked if I could build one of their 1000 piece jigsaws. I spent most of the day doing that jigsaw just to take mind of what was going to happen.
So the time came to get ready and I did and I went to the dinner party. Dinner consisted of 8 courses. For someone with an eating disorder this was horrifying. But I got through it.
I did not eat all 8 courses, there was not need too really. I took plenty of breaks away from the table by using my children as an excuse. I ate slowly so that I did not have to eat as much as everyone else and I am sure no one noticed. Concentrating on the food and keep a conversation going was beyond me but my husband was able to do enough talking for both of us. A couple of times between courses as the table was cleared games were played. This gave me time to try and ground myself. I even spent five minutes in the loo just doing breathing exercises. The two years of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) came in very handy.
However, I have not been able to look back at Monday evening and think that I handled that situation well. I look back and see the days full of darkness as I was so consumed by my depression.
I need to learn from this and keep moving forward…..