Her comments imprison me

All my life I have struggled with food. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy.

As a child I was weighed weekly and encouraged to lose weight as I was constantly told by my mum that I was over weight. Oh I hated those Sunday evenings having to stand on the scales because I knew I would disappoint her again.

“Don’t eat that, you do not need it”, “Eat up all your dinner” the messages I was given were very confusing. Do I eat, do I not eat? What am I suppose to do? Then there was even more confusion over what I should eat! “Here’s your breakfast” she said as she gave me last nights chips reheated. Health foods was something that my mum had not heard of back then.

Feeling so low about being fat and constantly told so by various family members I turned to food for comfort.  I would binge when left at home alone and as the weight piled on the more I binged the more nagging I would get. I did not know what to do, there was noone to talk to either as it was my mum who was making me feel so bad.

When I needed clothes I was told I was to fat and so I had the minimum amount of clothes I needed to get by.  My mum would sit on my bed and get me to try on my clothes when I told her I needed something new. She would tell me that I needed to try harder and lose weight. I would stand there infront of her and cry.  I felt so ashamed of myself. I wanted to disappear.

I have been bullied a few times throughout the years about my weight but when I was at university I was bullied so much that I stopped eating for a while. As a result I lost a lot of weight and people commented on how well I looked. Wow, for the first time in my life I was being told that I looked good. My confidence grew as the weight continued to come off.

When things went a bit too far my mum again commented on my appearance. “Look at you, what man is going to fancy you with your flat chest?” I could not do anything to please her. That is when my bulimia started…..more on that another time.

Today I am at my heaviest weight and those comments my mum told me all those years ago still haunt me. They imprison me within my own home.