Understanding the road I have travelled today

I want to use this blog to be totally truthful about my mental health issues. I want to learn more about myself and continue along the road to recovery. The road to recovery is not that straight and there are many obstacles along the way. This morning I took a small detour, it was a conscious decision, but now I have to turn around and understand the road I have travelled today.

My eating habits change quite frequently but since my GP gave me xenical  a few months ago I have been slowly and constantly losing weight. I have been thrilled by this weight loss. I even managed to lose weight over the Christmas and New Year period (even after that 8 course dinner party)! But over the last few days I have been eating more and more and so I have stopped losing weight. This morning for the first time I have gained weight!

I have found myself obsessing about food and wanting to eat more and more. I realised that I have not binged for almost 3 weeks. Is my obsession with food at the moment my build up to having a binge? Do I obsess about food before a binge?  I think I do. So would a binge give me some release from this obsession? I decided to allow myself to binge.

I have binged and I have purged and I am left feeling tired and a little shaky. The act of purging is very distressing. So what did I hope to gain from this today? I just want to be free of my food obsession for a while.

Gone are the days where I would binge and purge several times. Those days seem quite far behind me now and I will make sure things stay that way. But every now and again I do have little detours or blips like today. I can only hope that the time between these blips gets longer and longer.

So rather than waiting until tomorrow to start afresh I am restarting my day right now. I want to move on from this now…..

 

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One thought on “Understanding the road I have travelled today

  1. Meagan says:

    I’ve struggled with eating issues my whole life. I blame my mother who would order pizza in the middle of the night for “just the two of us” and then pick pick pick at me for being too heavy. Good for you for trying to tackle your issues in a healthy way – of course there will be set backs! Don’t be too hard on yourself! Good idea starting over RIGHT NOW, instead of waiting for tomorrow. Good luck to you! 🙂

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