When I feel depressed

When I feel depressed I find it difficult to explain how I feel, so I thought I would try expressing myself in a poem.

LOSING MY MIND

It is so hard to explain
What is going on in my brain
The confusion I feel
It is very real.

I cannot think
For I know I am going to sink.
Down, down further I go
I am my own foe

The pain,
The Fear
The torture

The confusion
The loneliness
The frustration

The self hate
The disappointment
The weakness

The tears
The scars
The shame

The screaming
The silence
The madness

The past
The present
The future

I am my own foe
Down, down further I go
For I know I am going to sink
I cannot think

It is very real
The confusion I feel
What is going on in my brain
It is so hard to explain

Eating disorders and feeling lonely

I just wanted to let out some of my feelings around my bulimia…..

BULIMIA
What a lonely illness this is!
Once you are in her target, she will never miss.
She takes hold of you when you are feeling low
You are just another tale of woe.

She is looking to see what she can find
And slowly she is twisting your mind.
She is a drug and you keep increasing the dose
She is your shameful secret you can not disclose.

Your strength she is slowly taking
Your own self loathing she is making.
Your every breath is her fuel
Your own self pride is now so cruel.

Your life, is a world full of shame and deceit
Do not be fooled, you are not one of the elite.
This is what she has created for you
Yes, I know this subject is taboo.

As you search for her one weakness
She will plunge you into darkness.
She will hold on with all her might
But you must never give up the fight.

Big Hips

I do not like to look at myself in the mirror, I hate what I see. But sometimes writing about the things we dislike the most about ourself can make us smile. I did not write this poem but it did make me smile….so wanted to share.

 

HOMAGE TO MY HIPS

These hips are big hips.
They need space to move around in.
They don’t fit into little pretty places.
These hips are free hips.
They don’t like to be held back.
These hips have never been enslaved,
they go where they want to go.
They do what they want to do.
These hips are mighty hips.
These hips are magic hips.
I have known them to put a spell on a man
and spin him like a top!
by Lucille Clifton

Thank You…..

Went to church this morning and just wanted to say thank you…..

THANK YOU LORD

Thank you Lord
For being there when I felt alone
Thank you Lord
For staying with me, when others had flown.

Thank you Lord
For carrying me when I felt weak
Thank you Lord
For making me feel unique

Thank you Lord
For always being there for me
Thank you Lord
For helping me to see

Thank you Lord
For identify my demons
Thank you Lord
For giving my life has a reason

Thank you Lord

Looking In The Mirror

WHAT DO I SEE?

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a young woman looking back at me.
I stand and stare into her eyes so sad,
And wonder about the life she could have had.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a young child looking back at me.
I reach out my hand and touch her dark hair,
I want her to know that I will always care.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a young lady looking back at me.
I stand and smile in acknowledgement of her dedication,
I am so proud of her solid education.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a business woman looking back at me.
I admire her good looks and the confidence she exudes to all,
I know she is hungry for power and will never fall.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a wife looking back at me.
I see the love in her smile so wide,
I know he will always be by her side.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a mother looking back at me.
I watch the children looking at her above,
And know this is what they call unconditional love.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I see a young woman looking back at me.
This young woman what a life she has had,
I tell her there is no reason to be sad.

I look in the mirror and look at me.
My life, flashing before me, I know what I see.
I accept my flaws, of which there are many,
But with each new day I will remain steady.

I look in the mirror and look at me.
I have love all around me that is what I see.

A Poem For My Husband

A few years ago I wrote a poem for my husband to help him understand my eating disorder……

MY ED VOICE

It is midnight and everyone is asleep
Everything is quiet, everything is calm
But I sit alone and weep
For I know SHE is there watching wanting me to eat.

SHE knows how much I love her
Though SHE fills me with such fear
SHE pretends to be my best friend
So no one else can get near

HER voice is soft and gentle
Like a lullaby
SHE cradles me and holds me tight
Especially when I cry

It is midnight and everyone is asleep
Everything is quiet, everything is calm
But I sit not alone and weep
For SHE is with me wanting me to eat.

SHE knows how much I hate her
Though SHE fills me with such love
SHE is my worst enemy
Please help me from above

HER voice is hard and sombre
Unlike that lullaby
SHE beats and scolds me
But I try not to cry

It is midnight and everyone is asleep
Except SHE who is willing me to eat.
But as I try with all my might
SHE will never ever let me out of her sight.

It is midnight and everyone is asleep
I try to keep quiet as I begin to eat
For SHE is relentless going on and on and on
But I cannot help feeling that this is one big con.

My power SHE has taken
My body SHE is breaking
My mind SHE is controlling
My heart SHE is consoling

It is morning and as everyone awakes
I put on my happy face and breakfast I do make
For SHE is still with me and laughing at my mistakes
But I will fight HER with everything it takes!