When I feel depressed

When I feel depressed I find it difficult to explain how I feel, so I thought I would try expressing myself in a poem.

LOSING MY MIND

It is so hard to explain
What is going on in my brain
The confusion I feel
It is very real.

I cannot think
For I know I am going to sink.
Down, down further I go
I am my own foe

The pain,
The Fear
The torture

The confusion
The loneliness
The frustration

The self hate
The disappointment
The weakness

The tears
The scars
The shame

The screaming
The silence
The madness

The past
The present
The future

I am my own foe
Down, down further I go
For I know I am going to sink
I cannot think

It is very real
The confusion I feel
What is going on in my brain
It is so hard to explain

Just one day of self-pity

I have been dealing with lower back pain for what feels like an eternity. I was told I had sciatica after a very brief examination and given painkillers to take for two weeks. I was told that would get me through the worst of the pain because it should not last too long.

Well that was back in January. Since then I have been put on anti-inflammatories and my pain medication was doubled. Again and again I went back to the doctor because the painkillers were not taking the edge of the discomfort I was feeling.

I have been reduced to tears many times. I have a dog that needs to be walked and I push myself to walk through the pain. Many times I have wanted to call my husband to come and meet me with the car to drive me home because I have been unable to walk back home. During these walks and whenever I do housework I have to stop and rest.

Two weeks ago the doctor said enough was enough and sent me for an x-ray. Today I was given the results. I really was expecting to be told that the x-rays did not show anything and with a little physiotherapy my pain could be managed and eventually over come. But no, that was not what I heard. At first all I heard was a selection of words, random words that did not make sense.

I have been told that I have osteoarthritis of the upper and lower spine. My x-ray clearly showed that I have osteophytes which has resulted in a narrowing of the canal that the nerves runs through. That explains why I have numbness and pins and needles in both legs and left arm.

Since January all I have been looking for is something, anything that would get rid of the pain and discomfort I feel. But today I was told that this is something I have to learn to live with and manage. Those words have haunted me all day.

I am stuck in some strange place right now. I have questions, lots of them but no one is there to answer them. My GP told me to look through the internet and educate myself. I guess that will have to be a task for tomorrow because today (I know this sounds rather mellow dramatic but…) I feel that my world has collapsed.

I believe everything happens for a reason so I am only going to allow myself one day of self-pity. Then it is time to move on and start educating myself on what I can do……