It wasn’t until I was in a long term relationship that I started to see that my behaviour may not be ‘normal’ compared to my partners, who is now my husband (we shall call him H).
In the first few years of our relationship it was very passionate but also very rocky. We went from one extreme to the other. Our arguments over the smallest of things threatened to end our relationship time and time again. I think sometimes I did want things to end, sabotaging relationships was something that I was good at.
I felt anger was an emotion to be hidden from others but when it did surface I wanted someone else to feel the pain that I was feeling. I wanted to hurt them, verbally not physically. That someone was H. I loved him one minute and the next I could feel such hatred towards him. I got angry and would start arguments over very small things. At the time I would never have admitted it was me that started the arguments. I had to press that button that would send H in to a rage. By doing this it took the responsibility of the argument from me and placed it firmly on him. I had achieved my goal at this point and could now play the role of someone who had been wronged.
It took me many years to see the patterns evolve in my behaviour. I was too afraid to admit that, when I got into an argument with H, I hated him. How could anyone understand that you could hate someone and then love them so deeply.
When I stopped and took a step back and acknowledged what I was doing during arguments with H this was the day that I took responsibility for my own actions and our arguments declined rapidly from that point.
It was several years later that I would be diagnosed with BPD, borderline personality disorder and got some help. My diagnosis was like a double edge sword. I felt relief that there was something wrong with me (maybe I was not a bad person after all) and it had been identified so that I could get help and possibly change or control this part of me. I also felt a lot of shame because I thought that others would not understand so that is why I have only told my husband about my BPD.
We still have arguments and it is me that starts them off but they do not resemble what they use to be. It wasn’t too long ago that I finally told H that when we have arguements I do hate him and I do not like feeling that way. I love him and do not want to lose him. He said he knew I felt that way as he had been online to educate himself on BPD. I felt relief that he knew.