When I feel depressed

When I feel depressed I find it difficult to explain how I feel, so I thought I would try expressing myself in a poem.

LOSING MY MIND

It is so hard to explain
What is going on in my brain
The confusion I feel
It is very real.

I cannot think
For I know I am going to sink.
Down, down further I go
I am my own foe

The pain,
The Fear
The torture

The confusion
The loneliness
The frustration

The self hate
The disappointment
The weakness

The tears
The scars
The shame

The screaming
The silence
The madness

The past
The present
The future

I am my own foe
Down, down further I go
For I know I am going to sink
I cannot think

It is very real
The confusion I feel
What is going on in my brain
It is so hard to explain

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New Year

Two days after Christmas we, that is my husband, children and myself, went to see some friends. Those friends invited us to spend New Years eve with them. That was very nice of them. The last time I was away from my own home for New Year was to see in the year 2000.

I find socialising very difficult. I guess that is due to my borderline personality disorder and also my eating disorder. I do not like being around other people and having to keep a conversation going just terrifies me. So here I was faced with an invite to spend New Year with some people that I do not really know too well and to have a meal with them as well.

My husband and I did not know how to say no and as soon as we had both agreed my thoughts turn very dark. I had that same thought that always pops into my head when faced with difficult situations. I thought that I would just take an overdose and that would be it. I would not have to deal with this awkward situation. The solution seemed easy.

Within a few hours I realised that my thinking was not rational but did not know what to do about it. I knew that I would not be able to go through with these plans for New Year. How could I sit and eat in front of other people who I have never eaten in front of before. My eating disordered head was screaming at me. How could I start or keep a conversation going because all I have to say is just not interesting. I felt that my world was falling a part.

I told my husband what was going on in my head and he said that we need to do this for the children. They must see us socialising just like any other ‘normal’ family. I kept repeating this and knew that I had to go through with things and attend this dinner party at New Year.

On Monday, New Years Eve I was not able to anything as I was so terrified. I remembered that my children got jigsaws for Christmas, so I asked if I could build one of their 1000 piece jigsaws. I spent most of the day doing that jigsaw just to take mind of what was going to happen.

So the time came to get ready and I did and I went to the dinner party. Dinner consisted of 8 courses. For someone with an eating disorder this was horrifying. But I got through it.

I did not eat all 8 courses, there was not need too really. I took plenty of breaks away from the table by using my children as an excuse. I ate slowly so that I did not have to eat as much as everyone else and I am sure no one noticed. Concentrating on the food and keep a conversation going was beyond me but my husband was able to do enough talking for both of us. A couple of times between courses as the table was cleared games were played. This gave me time to try and ground myself. I even spent five minutes in the loo just doing breathing exercises. The two years of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) came in very handy.

However, I have not been able to look back at Monday evening and think that I handled that situation well. I look back and see the days full of darkness as I was so consumed by my depression.

I need to learn from this and keep moving forward…..

Christmas 2012

Tonight is the first night I have been able to get online since Christmas Eve.

I had a very good Christmas with my husband and children. It was the first Christmas in many years that I did not wake up feeling low. Christmas usually makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I think I have not done enough for my family. If only I was still working Christmas would be better for them, is what I kept telling myself. But this year I realised that my children do not care if I have a job, they have told me that they like mum being at home. I realise that they would rather I be home for them than have a Christmas that has so many presents it takes them all day to open them.

Before I was overcome by depression and an eating disorder I use to work 12 hours plus a day. I would go to work when my children were in bed and get home when they were back in bed. I use to worry that they would tell me at the age of 15 and say that they did not know me and that I was never around for them. I tried to reduce my hours at work and I even asked for a job share but this was refused and so my boss started to lay the pressure on me until I broke.I have been burdened with the guilt of being a failure ever since.

This year that guilt lifted. I realise that the time I have with my children is very precious and I am very privileged to be able to spend this time with them, even though I am struggling with mental health problems that have deemed that I am unfit to work at this current time.

So I had a very good Christmas and grateful for having that and I now see things a little differently.

Christmas, I am truly blessed.

Christmas is upon us once again. All I have left to do is wrap the presents and put them under the tree. I love watching my children open their presents on Christmas day. I am truly blessed.

This year I feel positive about Christmas, this has been a long time coming. Normally I feel too depressed and struggle with my eating disorder and the impulsive behaviour associated with my borderline personality disorder.

This year, I want things to be different for my children and husband. I want to be the ‘perfect’ mother and wife. But perfection is so hard to achieve.

Something has changed, I do not feel like the failure that I believed I was last Christmas and the Christmas before that etc. I have done everything with my children in mind and given myself a good kick when starting to feel sorry for myself. I have also started to accept the more ‘negative’ emotions I have and tell myself that it is ok to feel the way I do and not try to brush them under the carpet and pretend they are not there. So it is OK if I am not that ‘perfect’ a mother and wife after all.

It is OK to be me because no matter how difficult things feel at times I know they will pass and leave me and my husband and children will always be there for me. I am truly blessed.

Merry Christmas
x

The Sadness I Feel – Depression

THE SADNESS I FEEL…

It engulfs me.
Takes away all my hope.
Makes me blind.

In isolation I wonder about my life.
I am lucky, I am someone’s wife.
Someone cares for me, how can that be?
I do not understand, I do not see.
It engulfs me.
Takes away all my hope.
Makes me blind.

The sadness turns to pain.
In staying alive I have nothing to gain.
Something stops me from saying goodbye.
As I fall and silently cry.
It engulfs me.
Takes away all my hope.
Makes me blind.

Time has passed me by.
I do not want to hear another lie.
For I am more than this pain.
I am sure I have more to gain
It engulfs me.
Takes away all my hope.
Makes me blind.

I know that God is carrying me right now.
He is helping me, but I do not know how.
Again and again he will pick me up
Until I can cast off all this hurt
It engulfs me.
Takes away all my hope.
Makes me blind.