Tonight is the first night I have been able to get online since Christmas Eve.
I had a very good Christmas with my husband and children. It was the first Christmas in many years that I did not wake up feeling low. Christmas usually makes me feel guilty. Guilty because I think I have not done enough for my family. If only I was still working Christmas would be better for them, is what I kept telling myself. But this year I realised that my children do not care if I have a job, they have told me that they like mum being at home. I realise that they would rather I be home for them than have a Christmas that has so many presents it takes them all day to open them.
Before I was overcome by depression and an eating disorder I use to work 12 hours plus a day. I would go to work when my children were in bed and get home when they were back in bed. I use to worry that they would tell me at the age of 15 and say that they did not know me and that I was never around for them. I tried to reduce my hours at work and I even asked for a job share but this was refused and so my boss started to lay the pressure on me until I broke.I have been burdened with the guilt of being a failure ever since.
This year that guilt lifted. I realise that the time I have with my children is very precious and I am very privileged to be able to spend this time with them, even though I am struggling with mental health problems that have deemed that I am unfit to work at this current time.
So I had a very good Christmas and grateful for having that and I now see things a little differently.