Just one day of self-pity

I have been dealing with lower back pain for what feels like an eternity. I was told I had sciatica after a very brief examination and given painkillers to take for two weeks. I was told that would get me through the worst of the pain because it should not last too long.

Well that was back in January. Since then I have been put on anti-inflammatories and my pain medication was doubled. Again and again I went back to the doctor because the painkillers were not taking the edge of the discomfort I was feeling.

I have been reduced to tears many times. I have a dog that needs to be walked and I push myself to walk through the pain. Many times I have wanted to call my husband to come and meet me with the car to drive me home because I have been unable to walk back home. During these walks and whenever I do housework I have to stop and rest.

Two weeks ago the doctor said enough was enough and sent me for an x-ray. Today I was given the results. I really was expecting to be told that the x-rays did not show anything and with a little physiotherapy my pain could be managed and eventually over come. But no, that was not what I heard. At first all I heard was a selection of words, random words that did not make sense.

I have been told that I have osteoarthritis of the upper and lower spine. My x-ray clearly showed that I have osteophytes which has resulted in a narrowing of the canal that the nerves runs through. That explains why I have numbness and pins and needles in both legs and left arm.

Since January all I have been looking for is something, anything that would get rid of the pain and discomfort I feel. But today I was told that this is something I have to learn to live with and manage. Those words have haunted me all day.

I am stuck in some strange place right now. I have questions, lots of them but no one is there to answer them. My GP told me to look through the internet and educate myself. I guess that will have to be a task for tomorrow because today (I know this sounds rather mellow dramatic but…) I feel that my world has collapsed.

I believe everything happens for a reason so I am only going to allow myself one day of self-pity. Then it is time to move on and start educating myself on what I can do……