Understanding the road I have travelled today

I want to use this blog to be totally truthful about my mental health issues. I want to learn more about myself and continue along the road to recovery. The road to recovery is not that straight and there are many obstacles along the way. This morning I took a small detour, it was a conscious decision, but now I have to turn around and understand the road I have travelled today.

My eating habits change quite frequently but since my GP gave me xenical  a few months ago I have been slowly and constantly losing weight. I have been thrilled by this weight loss. I even managed to lose weight over the Christmas and New Year period (even after that 8 course dinner party)! But over the last few days I have been eating more and more and so I have stopped losing weight. This morning for the first time I have gained weight!

I have found myself obsessing about food and wanting to eat more and more. I realised that I have not binged for almost 3 weeks. Is my obsession with food at the moment my build up to having a binge? Do I obsess about food before a binge?  I think I do. So would a binge give me some release from this obsession? I decided to allow myself to binge.

I have binged and I have purged and I am left feeling tired and a little shaky. The act of purging is very distressing. So what did I hope to gain from this today? I just want to be free of my food obsession for a while.

Gone are the days where I would binge and purge several times. Those days seem quite far behind me now and I will make sure things stay that way. But every now and again I do have little detours or blips like today. I can only hope that the time between these blips gets longer and longer.

So rather than waiting until tomorrow to start afresh I am restarting my day right now. I want to move on from this now…..

 

A Reminder Of What I Could Lose Through My ED

I was diagnosed with an eating disorder some time ago. I have relapsed again but I am working my way through some of the things that I did when I was attending an ED clinic.

Here is an exercise that I did from the book ‘Getting Better Bit(e) by Bit(e): A Survival Kit for Sufferers of Bulimia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorders’ by Janet Treasure. This exercise helps remind myself of everything I can lose if I give up the fight for recovery…..

REASONS TO GIVE UP BULIMIA

PRACTICAL GAINS TO SELF
My mood swings will decrease
My teeth will remain healthy
I won’t feel tired all the time
I will feel physically well
I will not become doubly incontinent
I won’t get so many sore throats
My confidence will increase
I will no longer need to take anti-depressants
I will not be afraid to eat with my family
I will be able to go to restaurants to eat

PRACTICAL GAINS TO OTHERS
I will have a better relationship with my husband and children
I will not talk about diets all the time
My husband will not find food wrappers around the house
My husband will not come home to a drunken wife
I will regain my husbands trust
My sex drive will increase
I will be less irritable and snappy to my husband and kids
Will be able to return to work and help support the family
I will not be such a drain on the NHS
I will make friends

SELF APPROVAL
I will not have to lie about food
I will not have to lie about what I drink
I will not have to lie about taking laxatives
I will no t have to lie about taking diuretics
I will not have to deceive people about vomiting
I will have achieved something positive

SOCIAL APPROVAL
My husband will stop worrying about me
My husband will not have to watch me destroy me life
My husband will no longer have to suffer the pain of having a wife with a mental illness
My son will stop worrying about mummy, and stop asking if I am happy
I will be able to take part in activities and become a more active member of the local community

REASONS FOR STAYING BULIMIC

PRACTICAL LOSS TO SELF
Mood swings will increase
My teeth will start to decay
I will feel tired and unwell all the time
My body will not function properly (especially with the continuing laxative and diuretic abuse)
My sore throats will increase
My self esteem will remain low
I will become a prisoner in my own home
Increased thoughts of self hatred
Increased thoughts of self harming
I will continue to feel sick after eating if I cannot purge
I will find meal times more and more frightening
I may get swelling due to water retention
I will fear my own weight and weigh myself everyday
 
PRACTICAL LOSS TO OTHERS
My relationship with my family will deteriorate
I will be constantly talking about my weight and self hate
I will lose control of how much I spend on food
I will sink deeper and deeper into my alcohol issues
My children will lose a mother that loves them
I will not be able to return to work and we will sink deeper in to debt
I will not be able to make friends and continue to feel lonely

SELF DISAPPROVAL
My self esteem will be none existent
I will lose control of everything
I will have to face up to my responsibilities
I will hate myself and body more
I will be ashamed of myself
I will lie to everybody about everything
 
SOCIAL DISAPPROVAL
I will not be able to hide my fear of food from others
My children will become more aware of my eating habits and talk to their friends about it
Social services will become involved again
My son’s school will find out that there are problems at home
My family will find out my ED is back